Imagined Negotiation Dialogues Between Labels and Streaming Services

Label: So let me get this straight. We currently offer our albums for download at $10 a pop.
Streaming service: Yup.
Label: And you’re proposing that we go in with you and a bunch of other labels to have our albums available on demand through the internet.
Streaming service: Yeah.
Label: At the same $10, which we would share with the rest of your partners, after you take your cut for administrative costs and other things.
Streaming service: That’s right.


I think this is why I can’t stream anything from Warp on Rdio.

If Text Messaging Rates Were Applied To The Post Office

Postal Worker: Oh Dan, you got a letter today.
Me: Really? Oh great.
Postal Worker: Yup. That’ll be 44¢.
Me: Um, what?
Postal Worker: Yeah, 44¢. You were sent something in the mail, through our network, and it costs 44¢ for you to receive it.
Me: Yeah, and if you look at the envelope you can see the sender paid that postage.
Postal Worker: Yup. Now it’s your turn. You both pay.
Me: That’s ridiculous! Why should I be subjected to fees based upon what other people send me? I have no control over what other people send me!
Postal Worker: 44¢.

[Reluctantly pays 44¢]

Me: Oh nice. It’s pictures from my sister and her family’s trip to Montreal.
Postal Worker: Pictures? That’ll be $1.29 per picture then.

Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros – Home

Chat with my sister, after making me watch the video for Edward Sharpe and the Magnetic Zeros’ Home

Me: “home is wherever i’m with you” You really feel that way about me?
Her: if you say so.
Me: I figured you made me watch this for a reason, and that must be it
Her: cuz it’s awesome
Me: Because you wanted to tell me how you felt about me through the magic of song.
Her: weirdo

Dialog: Buying the new Metric Album

I think this demonstrates my point here.

[INTERIOR – SITTING IN FRONT OF MY MACBOOK, GIVING A DEMO OF LALA.COM TO MY SISTER]

Me: Hey, have you heard of lala.com?

Her: No.

Me: It’s pretty cool. You can listen to music for free on it once. After that you have to pay to stream it, but you can also download MP3s for a higher fee.

Her: Hmm – that’s nice. Good for if you’re on the fence about buying something.

Me: Yeah, like this Metric album. If you want the MP3s it’s $7.49.

[PLAYING “HELP I’M ALIVE”]

Her: Oh – I know that song!

Me: So that’s a pretty good deal, considering it’s…

[OPENS THE ALBUM PAGE ON AMAZON MP3]

Me: Uh, $5.99 on Amazon.

[I CLICK “BUY MP3 ALBUM WITH 1-CLICK®”]

Her: …Can you give that to me?

Dialog: Ad Salespeople

The ad sales negotiation process applied to another industry where it plain just wouldn’t work.

[INTERIOR – PRETZEL STAND AT THE MALL]

Me: Yes, I’d like to have a pretzel.

Pretzel Sales Guy: But wouldn’t you rather have six pretzels?

Me: Uh, no. Just one.

PSG: Really? Because one pretzel isn’t really a good snack anyway. Don’t get me wrong, I want to sell you pretzels, just five more than you really want.

Me: I just want to see how the pretzel tastes.

PSG: Ask anyone around you who’s had our pretzels and they’ll tell you much they like them.

Me: One pretzel please.

PSG: I’ll be honest. One pretzel by itself doesn’t taste that good. You’ll be happier if you get six all at once.

Me: …I will have just one pretzel.

PSG: It’s six times better than-

Me: JUST GIVE ME A FUCKING PRETZEL!

PSG: Ok ok ok. I hear what you’re saying. You don’t want to make a pretzel mistake six times. That’s fair.

Me: Yes. That’s absolutely right.

PSG: I know we aren’t the only pretzel place here, so let’s work together on this. I know we can work this out if we just talk about it.

Me: How about one pretzel?

PSG: How about this? Six pretzels and I’ll throw in some mustard and a little extra salt! Because your business means that much to me.

Me: Forget it. I hate pretzels now.

[I LEAVE]


Photo by ginnerobot used under a Creative Commons License