X-Men Auditions

Int – Professor Xavier’s School for the Gifted and Talented

Professor Xavier: Yes, so what is your name?
Student: Sensei Tekken

Student bows to Professor Xavier and other members of the X-Men judges

Xavier: And what is your special power?
Student 1: I’m really good at Karate and other martial arts.
Wolverine: So? All of us are.
Student 1: Yeah, but I mean really good. I have been practicing martial arts since I was 4 years old. You only get that kind of skill with the dedication I have put into it.
Storm: Is that right?
Student 1: I think so.
Storm: My name is Storm. My special power is that I can change the weather at will. Also, I am insanely good at Karate.
Wolverine: I am Wolverine. I have an adamantium skeleton that is indestructible. I can heal myself whenever I am wounded. Also, I am really good at Karate.
Xavier: As a matter of fact, everyone here is really, really good at karate.
Student 1: I have my own dojo and am internationally recognized for my martial arts abilities.
Xavier: Yeah, well…pffft.
Student 1: How did you all get really good at Karate?
Storm: I…I don’t know.
Wolverine: Me neither. Really, the whole adamantium thing is enough. I don’t even really need to be good at Karate. I can stab people so easily with my claws the Karate thing is really a formality.
Student 1 (to Xavier): Did you teach them?
Xavier: No, you may not have noticed, but I am in a wheel chair. But I can read minds and one time I read the mind of a black belt. I thought I would learn Karate, but instead I learned a really good chili recipe.
Wolverine: …all of us are also really good at making chili.
Xavier: Next!

student 1 leaves as student 2 walks on stage wearing an apron

Xavier: And what is your mutant power?
Student 2 (nervously): I…I am really good at making chili.

The Star Wars Test

From Stop Podcasting Yourself 297.


JJ: My last girlfriend…she’d never seen Star Wars. What a pitiful experience it was to watch…because I thought it was gonna be exciting because I thought she was pretty cool. We get along great!…She’s 29 years old and we start to watch Star Wars and about two minutes in she just turned to me and goes, “If this wasn’t famous I would’ve turned it off by now.” It was an uphill battle. She didn’t even realize it was Harrison Ford, either! About halfway through the film she asked, “Is that Harrison Ford?” I was like, “Yes! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

GC: Did she also not realize that you were excited by this, watching this together, and she should’ve just been amenable instead of being a bitch about it? Just have been like, “Oh, this is a thing you like! I will watch it and if I don’t like it I will keep it to myself.”

JJ: Where are these women that you speak of?

DS: Or fall asleep. That’s not too rude.

GC: But also, just watch the thing. I’ve watched a lot of movies in the name of love that I had no interest in watching, watched from start to finish. And then complain about it to somebody else later, not to the person who loves this movie! I can’t believe she just turned around right away and was like “Stinkeroo!”

JJ: Two robots in the desert? Is that Harrison Ford?

DS: No that’s C3PO.

JJ: Is that Harrison Ford?

DS: No, that’s the Death Star.

GC: Well, you know what? Better off without her.

DS: …is she single now?


The test is not “does she like Star Wars?” We KNOW you probably won’t. The test is, “If I watch Star Wars with her is she just going to whine about it the whole time?”

I have failed this test with things that are not Star Wars. Downtown Abbey. Duck Dynasty. Shark Week. I couldn’t just sit there. Three strikes and I was out.

Micturated

I just want to understand this, sir. Every time a rug is micturated upon in this fair city I have to compensate the person?
Jeffrey Lebowski — The Big Lebowski

Me: Why does that word exist?
My sister: What do you mean?
Me: “Micturated.” It means “urinated.” Why not just say “urinated?”
My sister: He wants to look more dignified.
Me: But it doesn’t make any sense. “Micturate” is actually a more recent word than “urinate” – I looked it up. So why was “micturate” created?
My sister: …that’s just the way english is.

Why Billy Joel has relationship problems

Me: I’m thinking of doing that Billy Joel song Just The Way You Are.
My sister: I’ve never liked that song.
Me: Why not?
My sister: Because he’s basically saying “Don’t ever change. Don’t improve.”
Me: He isn’t saying that. He’s saying that he loves her, that she doesn’t have to go out of her way to impress him. “Don’t change the color of your hair.” That means “I love you for YOU. And if you dye your hair, what’s that all about? Why are you trying to change? I love you just the wayay you aaaaaaaare.”
My sister: But what if she wants to change?
Me: …like she’s looking for something better, so she’s pretending to be something she isn’t?
My sister: …
Me: What about “She’s Always A Woman To Me?”
My sister: That’s a better song.
Me: But it’s kind of the same song. I think it could actually be less of a lovesong than the other one, because it’s got a sentiment of settling – there’s actually a bit of knife-twisting in there.
My sister: No there isn’t. “She’s ahead of her time…”
Me: I think you’re being very selective about these lyrics. “She’s steals like a thief but she’s always a woman to me.” In that one he’s saying “the woman I love has PROBLEMS – but whatevs, we have it pretty good most days. Still, I wish she wouldn’t LIE THROUGH HER TEEETH TO ME!!!!!!”
My sister: …don’t do that one.

Near iOS 6 Photos Upgrade Disaster

—INT. NIGHT—

PHONE RINGS

Me: Hello?
My sister: I AM NEVER UPGRADING ANYTHING EVER AGAIN!
Me: …what’s wrong?
My sister: ALL MY PHOTOS ARE GONE!!
Me: All your photos?
My sister: My photos! My videos! EVERYTHING FROM THE WEDDING! It’s ALLLLL GONE!
Me: You didn’t back-up your photos?
My sister: …
Me: You lost them all in the upgrade?
My sister: I went to search for them, and they’re not there! THIS IS STUPID!
Me: That doesn’t make sense. I didn’t lose all mine. Did you turn Photo Stream on?
My sister: I skipped that part. I’m looking at my photos and they’re all gone. WHAT DO I DO?!
Me: I don’t know what to tell you. You didn’t back them up. You didn’t put them on your computer. So yeah, sounds like they’re all gone.
My sister: BUT WHY?!
Me: I don’t know why. That didn’t happen to me.
My sister: STUPID APPLE! You know, I NEVER upgrade anything, but this ONE time, just this once, I tried it, and it bites me in the ass! I will never—oh, wait…
Me: What?
My sister: It says “restoring”.

And they all lived happily ever after.

As long as they’re putting this guy in their ads here’s the perfect dialogue

[John Malkovich sitting in the living room, talking to Siri on his iPhone]

John Malkovich: Malkovich. Malkovich malkovich malkovich, malkovich?
Siri: Malkovich malkovich malkovich. Malkovich malkovich?
John Malkovich: Malkovich. Malkovich malkovich.

[John Malkovich looks up at his ceiling]

John Malkovich: Malkovich malkovich?
Siri: Malkovich malkovich malkovich.
John Malkovich: Malkvovich! Malkovich malkovich malkovich.
Siri: Malkovich malkovich.

[Apple logo displayed on white full screen]

Voiceover

John Malkovich: Malkovich…Malkovich.

[Fade out]


Surely this has already been done.

Obi-Weezer Kenobi

“And then after Maladroit their tour bus got hit by a meteorite and they all died, never to release another album ever again. AND THAT’S THE TRUTH!”
– Me explaining the Weezer discography to my children.

-Years Later-

Kids: You told us Weezer was killed by a meteorite!
Me: Well, when they got hit by the meteorite they ceased to be Weezer and became Darth Weezer. So what I told you was the truth…from a certain point of view.
Kids: A CERTAIN POINT OF VIEW?!

The Endless Battle Between Coffee and Tea

Coffee People: Coffee’s good for you.
Tea People: No, tea’s better for you!
Coffee People: No – you’re wrong!
Tea People: No – YOU’RE WRONG!
Coffee People: No – YOU!
Me: Gentlemen please! I’ll drink both of you!

Both are probably ok, but take out sugar and cream and tea wins for me.

I don’t remember the link, but on Reddit there was a post about somebody trying to adopt a new diet, but wanting something sweet. He asked what people drank besides water to satisfy sweet tooths.

Responses were something like, “No, you’re doing it wrong. Just drink water.”

I don’t think he liked that response.