INT: Offices of Christian Mingle. Meeting room. Executives are in the middle of prayer
Exec 1: And Lord, please bless the offices of Christian Mingle and this strategy meeting, for us to better spread your love and your word. Amen.
Exec 1: Brothers in Christ, allow me to introduce this new face at our table. This is brother Gregory.
All: (Nice to meet you, Gregory / Hi Gregory / Such a pleasure to have you here, Gregory)
Gregory: Uh, yeah – hi everyone. Please just call me Greg.
Exec 2: We are blessed to have brother Gregory join us at Christian Mingle. Gregory comes to us from Zynga, the Sodom and Gomorrah of Internet companies.
Gregory: Yeah, I guess you could say I was lost, but now I’m found, right?
Greg nervously laughs
Exec 3: Yes Gregory, and we at Christian Mingle are fortunate to have found you.
Exec 2: We can’t wait to hear your ideas about how to increase new registrations this quarter.
Exec 1: We believe that to best spread the message of Christ there is no better alternative than…what shall we call it? …hmm. “Cultural Eugenics.”
Gregory: Yeah, ok. Well, why don’t we start by talking about why registration rates have been on a steady decline?
Exec 1: Of course, Gregory. This has been a conundrum for some time. Every night I pray, hoping that our Lord may help me find an answer to this question. But alas, he has provided me no insight.
Exec 2: It is as if our lord has forsaken us.
Exec 3 (angered): NO! Did he forsake Daniel in the lion’s den? Did he forsake Abraham? Did he forsake Noah?
Greg: …I don’t really know. I’m not reli—
Exec 1: Even bible scholars debate these questions today. I believe we have not been forsaken, for we now have the insight of brother Gregory.
Greg: Like I said before, “Greg” is fine—
Exec 3: Brother Gregory, what new perspectives do you bring?
Greg: Well, over the weekend I reviewed Christian Mingle’s branding and other outreach methods.
Exec 2: I suspect you found them all top-notch. We baptized the laptop we created the landing pages on.
Exec 1: But that broke it, so we had to dip into our venture funding and buy a new laptop.
Exec 3: Yes, the cleansing waters of God’s love are too strong for electronics, particularly ones involved with the sinful viewing of pornographic material.
Exec 2: I confessed my sin!
Greg: Gentlemen, have you ever thought of what makes a good dating site? Where did you meet your wives?
Exec 1: Well, CHURCH of course! The church raffle fundraiser.
Exec 3: As a priest I am not allowed to have relations with a woman. I think of this sacrifice every day of my life.
Exec 2: I am not married, but my born-again girlfriend and I have been engaged for seven years. She has been through a lot. Crack addiction, prostitution. But God’s everlasting love brought us together.
Exec 1: Indeed. This is blessed news.
Exec 2: Well, it has not been perfect. I wonder if God is testing me. We sometimes argue about why she pushes our marriage so far into the future, or why she only visits when she needs money. Honestly, I look forward to losing my virginity to her on our wedding night…But lust is a sin and the flesh can wait. I’ve been waiting seven years. I can wait seven more.
Greg opens his briefcase and removes some printouts, placing them on the conference table
Greg: Gentleme—BROTHERS! Have you ever looked at the banner ads we run?
Exec 1: Of course. We designed them ourselves.
Greg: I suggest we redesign them. I believe they are entirely inappropriate for a dating site.
Exec 3: But this is a CHRISTIAN dating site!
Exec 2: What better way to let people know that than with our current banner ads featuring imagery of Jesus on the cross?!
Greg: I don’t think that’s the right message to send. Not for a dating site.
Exec 1: Well, we do! Right off the bat! BOOM! Christian imagery. Christ on the cross.
Exec 3: And right underneath, copy that reads, “He died for your sins. christianmingle.com.”
Exec 2: Yeah. That tells people, “Click this for Jesus. He died for your sins, but he loves you and wants you to be happy with other Christians.”
Exec 3: But strictly for procreation!
Exec 1: Flirting isn’t a sin.
Greg: I think we need to do something different…we need to make the ads…sexier. Maybe feature some of our female members.
Exec 2: But then people will think—people will think this is a HOOKUP site! We may as well change the name of the company!
Exec 3: Right! CHRISTIANFRIENDFINDER DOT COM.
Exec 1: Our mission is to unite people in the pursuit of making more Christians.
Exec 2: Ok – COMPROMISE. We remove the image of Christ, but maybe we put up an image of some hooded monks or something.
Exec 3: That CHANT album from 20 years ago did that and they sold boatloads!
Exec 1: What about if we make the ad about the end result? Beautiful Christian children! We can put little halos atop their heads so people will know they’re Christians!
Greg: If we put up some female imagery we can attract some male clientele.
Exec 1: But then how will we know they’re Christians?
Greg: Simple. We ask them…right in the profile. And if they say they’re muslim, agnostic, or jewish or something else—
Exec 2: Like PAGAN?! Or WICCAN?
Greg: Especially Wiccan – then we simply don’t allow the registration process to continue.
Silence as the team thinks this through
Exec 1: …you know, this could work. Maybe a little message comes up saying, “Christ loves you, but not this much. Come back when you’re a Christian.
Exec 3: And then we cookie their computer, block it, and excommunicate them.
Greg: Yeah, okay, sure. But the main thing is we need to put up some sexy Christian women on the advertising…sexy, but tasteful. And we target men on Facebook.
Exec 1: And on the landing page we ask two questions. #1 – “Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord and Savior?” And #2 – “Would you like to meet some Christian chicks?”
Exec 2 raises his hand
Exec 2: …what is the Church’s position on someone in a committed relationship signing up for the service?