The Star Wars Test

From Stop Podcasting Yourself 297.


JJ: My last girlfriend…she’d never seen Star Wars. What a pitiful experience it was to watch…because I thought it was gonna be exciting because I thought she was pretty cool. We get along great!…She’s 29 years old and we start to watch Star Wars and about two minutes in she just turned to me and goes, “If this wasn’t famous I would’ve turned it off by now.” It was an uphill battle. She didn’t even realize it was Harrison Ford, either! About halfway through the film she asked, “Is that Harrison Ford?” I was like, “Yes! WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH YOU?!”

GC: Did she also not realize that you were excited by this, watching this together, and she should’ve just been amenable instead of being a bitch about it? Just have been like, “Oh, this is a thing you like! I will watch it and if I don’t like it I will keep it to myself.”

JJ: Where are these women that you speak of?

DS: Or fall asleep. That’s not too rude.

GC: But also, just watch the thing. I’ve watched a lot of movies in the name of love that I had no interest in watching, watched from start to finish. And then complain about it to somebody else later, not to the person who loves this movie! I can’t believe she just turned around right away and was like “Stinkeroo!”

JJ: Two robots in the desert? Is that Harrison Ford?

DS: No that’s C3PO.

JJ: Is that Harrison Ford?

DS: No, that’s the Death Star.

GC: Well, you know what? Better off without her.

DS: …is she single now?


The test is not “does she like Star Wars?” We KNOW you probably won’t. The test is, “If I watch Star Wars with her is she just going to whine about it the whole time?”

I have failed this test with things that are not Star Wars. Downtown Abbey. Duck Dynasty. Shark Week. I couldn’t just sit there. Three strikes and I was out.