Online Dating Dictionary

Dating profiles are often filled with vague information and phrases that don’t really mean anything. I have taken the guesswork out of some of the language used in dating profiles and translated them into English.

“I’m a free spirit!”

I don’t consider anybody’s feelings and emotions but my own. You will be sorry you ever met me.

“I like long walks on the beach”

I don’t like where I live because there are no beaches. I am more likely to take long walks TO the beach.

“I am fresh and on the market!”

I was a fish wrapped in baggage before I signed up for this.

I’m kinda stretching things with the use of the word fresh.

“I can open doors without a man’s help, thank you very much!”

I’m not a lot of fun to be around and will overanalyze EVERYTHING!

“I am family oriented”

This is how I tell people I have kids without coming out and saying it, because it scares them away, especially young people with options.

“I love to have fun on the weekends!”

LET’s GET MAAAAAAD DRUNK! I’ll KISS ANYBODY! I OWN A LOT OF BEAD NECKLAECEZZZZZZZ!!

Photo of someone drinking

I am not fun unless I’ve been liquored up. Even them I’m still not fun. I’m just obnoxious instead of just boring.

“I love to stay at home and relax.”

I have a lot of HBO shows on DVD and, if you’re lucky, there may be a Games Of Thrones marathon in your future. You can fart in front of me, and you better be ok with me farting in front of you. Bring your sweatpants. It’s fartin’ time!

“I am going through some life changes right now”

You might want to stay away until my crazy goes away.

“I have no idea why I’m doing this…”

So, it’s come to this. SIGH.

“Don’t send me dick pics”

Don’t send me dick pics.