An Open Letter To The Man I Keep Walking In On At The Bathroom

Dear Sir,

You don’t know me, but I know you – too well. Although we’ve never met I know that you are a well regarded member of the community.

I also know what you look like when you pee standing up.

Regarding public restrooms, there are unwritten rules. Generally, if a restroom has multiple urinals and toilets with stall doors it’s acceptable for more than one person to occupy the room at a time. Those bathrooms are unlocked to accommodate this. However, if the bathroom contains a single toilet then it’s one at a time. As the occupier you must lock the door upon entering the bathroom.

A simple rule, yet I have witnessed you breaking them on three occasions in the past few months.

The first time I thought no big deal, honest mistake.

The second time, okay – still a mistake, but getting weirder. No way can this happen again.

The third time, well, now you’re just being careless.

I’m not offended at the sight of a grown man peeing. Rather, I’m offended that you seem to think this rule doesn’t apply to you.

You appear to have friends in the area, perhaps as well regarded as you seem to be. I’ve never caught them in the bathroom. I bet they lock the bathroom when they pee.

We’ve never spoken a word to each other, yet I have learned a lot about you simply by observing your restaurant bathroom etiquette. You are a selfish, boisterous, arrogant man.

It’s improbable that I’m the only one who has witnessed your peeing. You’re like a cockroach; if there’s one there has to be more somewhere around. It appears that other men who have walked in on you have decided to remain silent.

I will remain silent no longer.

Sir, lock the goddamn door.


As a side note, sir, I must comment on your technique.

Peeing while standing up is a privilege. Men have gone through hundreds of thousands of years of painful, cold, indifferent evolution to earn this privilege. Quite literally, it is one of the things that defines us as men and separates us from women.

But with this privilege comes responsibility. You must look where you leak.

You’re an older man, I guess in your 50s. Yet it appears you’ve never learned this. As little boys my brother and I were taught to look where you leak. We made a game out of it. We played Ghostbusters. With a piece of toilet paper in the bowl we blasted the ghost and put it in the trap. Aim for the center of the bowl. Flush.

If you were a little boy in the 80s Ghostbusters might have taught you everything about peeing while standing up. Me, my friends, my brother – we were all Ghostbusters in the bathroom.

I feel I’ve gotten to know you very well, so please allow me to be frank and educate you.

You are the worst fucking Ghostbuster – ever.

Your technique is all messed up. Your head is up in the clouds. You’re looking at artwork on the walls. Your eyes seem to be everywhere except where they should be; on your dick. I’ve wondered why there’s so much piss on the bowl. Now I know why. It’s been you the whole time.

Sir, have you ever aimed at anything in your life? When you drive down the street do you look at the road or do you just let your eyes meander whichever way they please. If you see something of interest do you just stop in the middle of the street, regardless of the amount of traffic behind you?

Actually, I have seen you drive. That’s exactly what you do.

This behavior is grounds for forcing the surrender of your man card. From that moment on you must pee while sitting down. No more peeing while standing up. No more unfair advantages when applying for jobs, loans, or anything else where men are favored over women.

Sir, your man privileges should be revoked. You clearly aren’t man enough to use them properly.