Spoiler Free Walkthrough – Draft 1

Alright, you finally picked up Game X! The sequel comes out on Tuesday, so you have two days to beat this thing. Let’s do this!

Okay – first grab your weapon from the desk there. Now prepare for this cut scene. DO NOT SKIP IT. It’s very important that you watch your father die and he tells you what to do with the amulet. I mean, aw shit. Fuck fuck fuck..

Cutscene over? Ok good. Kill all the bad guys in this room coming up. Don’t forget to grab the shotgun by the barrels there. If you forget it you’ll never be able to get the ring of Ashtar and kill the demon. This is the only way to get the good ending where Foster dies and you save the princess from the ninja.

I mean, uh, goddammit. Shit.

Ok – you have the shotgun now. Good. While you’re in your inventory take a look at your other weapons here. See the knife? STOP LOOKING AT THE KNIFE! I – don’t want to explain why. I don’t want to ruin it for you. Let’s just say that something bad will happen. No – not immediately.

Leave the menu. Yes. Hit the B button. That’s the red one. No! You just hit the green button! WHAT DID I TELL YOU?! Stop looking at the knife! If you don’t you’ll get the bad ending where you kill yourself! Oh Christ, not again!

Save here. There’s a flagpole coming up. Get a running start and grab the very top of the flagpole. What? Butterfly nets? Where did you hear about that one? From Jared? There’s no butterfly net if you jump over the flagpole. That guy’s an idiot. Seriously, he didn’t learn how to tie his shoes until he was 17, which is why he has so many self-esteem issues and makes up bullshit about butterfly nets.

Now this boss is the hardest boss in the game, but there’s a simple trick to beating him. Unplug the controller. No – I’m dead serious. He can read your mind through controller port 1. Plug it into port 2 and it’ll keep him from taunting you about how Fox Die was invented by your father, which is why all these people are out to kill you since you have it in your blood because it was injected into your mother during the child birth, and that’s what killed her.

AAHHHH!!

Ok – forget what I said there. Actually, just run under that dinosaur’s feet there. Yeah. He’ll never see it coming. Destroy the bridge with the axe. Do that and you’ll see that the princess is in a different castle.

…I told you not to look at the knife.