Analyzing Christmas Carols: Volume 1

Angel Figurine Choir

Let It Snow

Oh the weather outside is frightful, but the fire is so delightful. And since we’ve no place to go, let it snow, let it snow, let it snow.

Really means: I’m a selfish asshole who places my own carnal desires higher than the safety of others who may be driving in this blizzard. Screw ’em.

I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus

Oh, what a laugh it would have been if Daddy had only seen Mommy kissing Santa Claus last night.

Really means: What authority figures tell me is always true, and my parents told me that Santa Claus exists. It’s much more likely that my mother is a harlot than it is that my father has been masquerading as a fat man all these years. Santa Claus pays my mother for sexual favors with toys, which she gives to me the next morning.

The 12 Days of Christmas

On the [x]th day of Christmas my true love gave to me…

Really means: I’m breaking up with my true love after New Years. What am I supposed to do with all this shit? She is obviously not good with money and these gifts indicate that she will never really know me. It’s not meant to be. I think Jessica, one of the maids a milkin’, is pretty cute. Plus, she has skills.

Winter Wonderland

In the meadow we can build a snowman, then pretend that he is Parson Brown. He’ll say ‘Are You Married?’ We’ll say ‘No man, but you can do the job when you’re in town!”

Really Means: Let’s get married before you slip and fall and die. Here’s the prenup, heiress. Also, I had to speak jive to make this rhyme.

Little Drummer Boy

Little Baby, pa rum pum pum pum, I am a poor boy too, pa rum pum pum pum. I have no gift to bring, pa rum pum pum pum. That’s fit to give the King, pa rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum, rum pum pum pum

Shall I play for you, pa rum pum pum pum. On my drum?

Really Means: WAKE UP JESUS! BAM BAM BAM! Absolve the sins I had to commit to get this drum! You don’t even want to know. I wanted to be a drummer so bad.

Really – just like a musician to buy his own drum and then not have any money to spend on Jesus. So selfish. That is not what Christmas is all about.

Photo by Flickr user laanulfean and used under a Creative Commons License