10 Steps To Being A Pain In The Ass At The Office

Step 1: Always Establish Blame. This should be the first thing you do when trouble arises. If there’s a problem, make sure that you distance yourself from it as far as possible. Don’t even attempt to try to solve the problem. This will only make a mess of things and may even bring people to the conclusion that you had something to do with it. Even if you did cause the problem, don’t own up to it. Conveniently forget crucial information when doing so is in your favor. Keep it a secret and see if your coworkers can figure it out. It’ll be a fun puzzle that won’t come back to haunt you until weeks from now, and by then you’ll already be on the next problem, so nobody will even notice!

Step 2: Complain All the time. Make sure everyone knows how much stuff is on your desk. Take the time that you should use to clean off your desk to complain about it instead. Every 15 minutes or so, announce to the office “Wow, my desk is SO COVERED. I can’t even see it there’s so much stuff on it!” Saying this repeatedly will raise the illusion that you’re busy. If you can, remember to whine “Augh…isn’t it 5 o’clock YET?!” If you do this around 2 o’clock it’ll piss everybody off because they’ll look at the clock and realize that they are in for the longest 3 hours they’ve ever experienced. Plus, that’s right about the time when the crash from lunch starts, so that’ll add insult to injury.

Step 3: Bring Personal Problems To Work Hey, you’ve got a life of your own outside of the workplace, and it’s shitty, right? Make sure everyone knows how bad your life is by taking it out on other people. Fuck leaving your feelings at the door. Maybe you forgot to take out the garbage last night and your spouse is making you eat shit for it. How do you unload that stress? Take it out on the first person you see at work the next day! Make sure you let them know that you think that they’re completely incompetent, even though they may not be. Send them an email with an attached document that reads, “Here’s that file you wanted, stupid.”

Step 4: Gossip Talk about things that are none of your goddamn business. This is useful if you don’t have any real personal problems to bring into work because you have no life. Talk about other people’s problems! See how many hidden locations you can discuss them in. Look for privacy in the mail room, lunch room, or even an office that no one uses anymore. If you think you can get away with it, talk on the phone when you should be working.

Now remember, steps 2, 3, and 4 are the holy trinity of being difficult to work with. By themselves they don’t do much, but with their powers combined you can surely be a major pain in the ass.

Step 5: Steal Someone’s Comfortable Chair Oh yeah, this one’s such a stinker that it might ruin someone’s whole week. Maybe this person called out sick or went to take a piss. Now’s your chance! Steal that chair! It’s got the lumbar support and those nice armrests that don’t dry out your skin. Remember to replace the comfy chair with your shitty furniture with all the coffee stains on it and the non-adjustable height. The more broken the better. If they actually have the guts to confront you about it (which they don’t), say something like “Oh, I didn’t think you’d mind.” Surely they do mind that you gave them a bad chair, but ignorance is your friend here. If they demand it back, simply refuse. See how long they’ll go before giving up and heading back to their Dilbert-ridden cubicle like the rat they are.

Step 6: Hold Grudges Never let them go, even if it’s over a stupid thing like if you asked for someone’s honest opinion about your new haircut and they were actually honest with you and told you it sucked. Let your anger penetrate every interaction you have with this person, and you’re well on your way to becoming difficult to approach. Plus, using your anger in everyday situations is the first step to becoming a powerful Sith lord.

Step 7: Be Fake Do this in the least obvious way possible. If you notice someone having a bad moment (possibly from something you did or neglected to do) ask them “Hey, are you alright?” preferably while other people are around, so that they know that the other person is having a rough time. They will wonder what the problem is with this emotional wreck. Not only will this embarrass the individual, but it will also make you look like you really care, even though you don’t. Genius!

Step 8: Get Other People To Do Your Job For You You were assigned to do something that you don’t want to do (much like most of your work), so how do you get out of it? Find some gullible schmuck to help you out. Explain your situation about how “busy” you are. Hell, you’re so busy you can’t even see your desk! End your request by saying “so, can yooooou do it?!” in your best 13 year old girl voice. Usually the victim is so sick and tired of you that they’ll take on your responsibility just to get rid of you. And then when he messes it up (and he will), blame it on him. That person will get fired and you can continue this step with a brand new employee.

Step 9: Be Careless In life, things just don’t happen. You’ve got to make them happen, and this includes mistakes. If you’re part of a group project, make sure that there is as little communication as possible in the group and that nobody knows what he or she is doing. If some smart-alecky newbie person decides to question your methods, snidely reply “well…that’s the way we do things around here!” Add an insult to that line (like “stupid”) and you’re golden.

Step 10: Remember, You Are NOT A TEAM PLAYER This is the most important rule. Sure, during your interview you said that you were great with teams, but you’ve done a lot of crazy things to get your way. Remember that time when you said you were 21 so you could get into that bar, and that other time when you told that woman that you were a doctor? What people don’t know won’t hurt them now, will it? You are working for you. You’re not working for a company. You’re working for a paycheck. Besides, all companies are evil and offer no good to the public. Why can’t you be at home watching Comedy Central? Huh, why not? There is no God.